Just Step Back a Moment and Think
by myinuyasha04
Summary: Tsunade takes her job as Hokage seriously, Sasuke learns that actions have consequences, Kakashi gets down to business, and more! A series of unrelated one shots depicting moments throughout the Naruto canon viewed through a crack lens.
1. Chapter 1

Just Step Back a Moment and Think…

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"Baa-chan! Ero-sennin!" Naruto cried out as he burst into the hokage office.

Tsunade rose from her seat in alarm and Jiraiya twisted around from his position in front of the desk to blink in surprise at the devastation in his student's voice. There was a bottle of sake and two cups on the desk between the old teammates and it was clear that they had been drinking for a while from the dozen empty bottles stacked somewhat haphazardly on the floor.

"What is it, Naruto?" Tsunade stared through narrowed eyes at the young man whom had given her a new reason to live.

"Sasuke left the village! There were Sound ninja with him!" Naruto blinked back tears of betrayal and his eyes hardened with determination. "Baa-chan, I've got to bring him back!"

Tsunade opened her mouth, about to tell Naruto to gather a quick team to chase after the wayward Uchiha while she gathered a backup team of jounin, but she stopped for a moment to consider her options. She scowled fiercely at how upset her surrogate child appeared and her mind was made up. "Like hell you will!"

She slammed her hand on the desk. Due to its exceptional sturdiness—it was crafted by the Shodaime Hokage himself—it creaked ominously but managed to remain intact. Naruto looked taken aback for a moment and then mutinous as it seemed that Tsunade was going to let Sasuke go to Orochimaru without any fuss.

"But—"

"Naruto! Sit here and guard the desk," Tsunade barked as she picked Naruto up under the arms and plopped him in her chair where he blinked owlishly. "Jiraiya, you're coming with me," she commanded, grabbing the toad sage by the arm and dragging him behind her. "That little shit thinks he can do whatever he likes because he's the precious baby Uchiha?" She sneered as she barreled out of the office, knocking a few chunin who weren't experienced enough to get out of her way flying into the walls.

"Tsu-Tsunade-hime! As hokage, you just can't go off and do whatever you want," Jiriaya protested weakly as he was pulled bodily behind the rampaging woman.

"Bah," she scoffed. "I'd like to see them try and stop me. I'll beat the shit out of that little bastard and drag him back by his entrails!"

"Why do you need me?" Jiraiya whined, finally giving up and allowing himself to be dragged along.

"You're coming to remove that curse seal so the little jerk can feel every bit of his punishment," Tsunade said with a truly frightening smile.

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Naruto finally shook himself out of his shock and surveyed the hokage's office. He wasn't worried about Sasuke anymore. He rather pitied the boy instead. Tsunade was absolutely terrifying and had the strength of twenty men. "Poor bastard would have been better off letting his brother kill him too…" Naruto sighed as he began to clean up the sake that was spilling over the desk. There was a messy pile of paperwork stacked on the floor by the desk that caught his eye.

He opened the scroll on the top of the pile and saw that it was a mission request. As he looked through a few more, he realized that Tsunade hadn't gotten around to sorting through them yet. Naruto shrugged and got to work, carefully setting the scrolls according to their mission rank. It was the least he could do, seeing how she was going to not only drag Sasuke back, but would make sure that he never even considered leaving again.

* * *

Kimimaro shivered uncontrollably as he knelt in front of his master. His eyes were wide and his skin deathly pale.

Orochimaru frowned at the show of terror from his usually unflappable minion. "Where is the rest of your team, and Sasuke-kun?" He questioned. The unexpected failure of the team comprised of his strongest experiments had thrown him for a loop.

The bone-wielding ninja burst into sobs as he groveled at Orochimaru's feet. The snake-like man sneered at the weakness. Kimimaro's words were nearly incomprehensible but Orochimaru was able to piece together enough of what had happened for his own skin to pale even further. Then he signed with irritation. Once again, Tsunade had ruined his plans. He could count on never seeing the other four ninja ever again and now he would have to put Kimimaro out of his misery as the ninja was now completely useless to him. Orochimaru shivered slightly as he remembered Tsunade at the height of her rage when she had been drinking and had someone to protect.

While he had been fortunate enough to never be on the receiving end of that particular fury, he could clearly remember what had happened to the group of enemy ninja who had killed her fiancé. He could sometimes still hear the screams in his dreams…

Orochimaru shook himself from the horrifying reverie and called for his right-hand man. "Kabuto, extract what you need to replicate his bloodline and then take care of him," he said, gesturing with his chin toward the trembling, slobbering madman on the floor. As Kabuto dragged Kimimaro out, Orochimaru sighed again. Now who was he going to use for his next body?

* * *

As Tsunade sat among the village council, she narrowed her eyes at the old farts who dared question how she treated the nearly-traitorous Uchiha. These people who claimed to treasure the sharingan bloodline so much that they were willing to let the brat do whatever he pleased without repercussion certainly didn't seem to remember that it was their decision to eliminate the rest of the clan in the first place.

"Enough," she said firmly, silencing the bickering old fools. "Uchiha Sasuke attempted to betray this village and defect to the side of our most dangerous missing-nin, Orochimaru. Any other ninja would have been executed for this offense and if he were any other ninja, you would all be clamoring for that result," she said, eyeing each fidgeting member of the council. "Furthermore, as Uchiha Sasuke is an active ninja, he is under my jurisdiction and must comply with whatever punishment _I_ choose. You are dismissed."

As Danzo, Homura and Koharu filed out mutinously, Tsunade leaned back in her chair. It was about time she did something with those three. She had no idea how her sensei had put up with them trying to block his every move. Suddenly, she grinned as she realized that she could override their judgment and decisions because they were _technically_ at war with Otogakure and its leader, Orochimaru. After all, during wartime, the hokage's word was absolute.

* * *

"So, Sasuke… what happened?" Sakura asked cautiously as she sat at the beside of the Uchiha. His hospital room was surprisingly unguarded, excepting the usual security that roamed around the halls. She looked at him in concern as his face displayed more emotion than she could ever remember seeing.

"Hokage-sama showed me that I was… wrong," Sasuke said softly, his eyes wide. He began to mumble under his breath and rock back and forth slightly.

Sakura sighed and smoothed out a piece of Sasuke's blanket. She was grateful to the hokage for bringing him back, but did she really have to traumatize him? As Sasuke turned a brilliant smile on her, Sakura blushed and decided that maybe Tsunade had had the right idea after all.

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A/N: So… I was reading other lovely fanfiction and it occurred to me just how stupid and irresponsible it was to send a bunch of newbie genin (and one chunin) to take care of bringing Sasuke back to the village… I mean, Konoha always seems to have at least one team of ANBU available at all times and surely Danzo would have sent a couple of his Root members after the last semi-loyal sharingan user in the village. If for no other reason than to keep Itachi happy, who very much wanted his little brother to stay safe in the village and far far away from Orochimaru.

Therefore, this little bit of crack was spawned. Tsunade went to take care of business herself and made sure that it was done right. Sorry if you wanted to know exactly what she did, but I find that is always scarier when left to the imagination.

I have another couple ideas involving other people stepping back and thinking before acting that I'll post up when I have written.


	2. Chapter 2

Just Step Back a Moment and Think… Part II.

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Naruto had a bit of a skip to his step as he entered his favorite clothing store in the village. The door chimed pleasantly as he entered. The shop was owned by twin brothers, one of whom was fitting an older man for a formal kimono. The other was resting his chin on his palm as he leaned over the counter; his balance kept wavering as he teetered on the edge of sleep. Naruto's entrance caused all three men to look up at him.

Wide grins spread across the faces of both twins. "Naruto!" They chorused in unison, causing the blonde pre-teen to smile happily. He hardly noticed the hard look that the older man shot at him as the twin that had been manning the counter threw an arm around his shoulders.

"What can I do for you today," he asked. "New clothes? Supplies?" His voice dropped to a whisper. "Pranking ideas?"

Naruto swallowed his laughter with a side glance at the disapproving look on the older man being fitted. "Well, Kaoru-nii-san, I'm going to be a ninja tomorrow," he said, proudly pointing at his new (to him) headband.

Kaoru's mischievous grin morphed into a genuine smile and he squeezed the young man to his side. "Congratulations, Naruto!"

"We always knew you could do it!" The other twin added with a whoop of joy, brandishing a sewing pin.

Naruto blushed slightly and ducked his head. "Thanks, Kaoru-nii, Hikaru-nii," he said shyly. "Would you like to get some ramen with me after you close up?"

"Of course we would!" Both twins agreed together.

"Great!" Naruto cheered. "I also need some new clothes, Kaoru-nii," he admitted, displaying the ragged condition of his orange jacket. "I need people to take me seriously, but I definitely don't want to lose the orange, you know?"

Kaoru nodded sagely as he steered Naruto to the back of the store. "I have just the thing in mind, fellow prankster."

Hikaru watched the pair go with affection before turning his attention back to the other customer. He and his brother had taken the boy under their wing a few years ago and he fit in as if he had been with them his whole life.

"I don't know why you put up with _that boy_," the older man huffed irritably. "My wife had him thrown out of our store the moment he stepped foot inside."

Hikaru's eyes hardened and he stabbed the man in the hip with a pin, eliciting a yelp and a glare. "Excuse me, _sir_, but Naruto is like family to us."

The other man's expression soured. "You do know who that child is, don't you?" He asked, not able to comprehend the kindness which the brothers offered the boy.

"He's about to become a shinobi of this village and will become the hokage some day," Hikaru said firmly. "If you can't treat our other beloved customers with respect, then I am going to have to ask you to leave."

The older man drew himself up in outrage. "You would rather side with that… that _demon_-child than me? The merchant council member?" He smirked down at the silent twin; he was sure that reminding the brat just who he was dealing with would lead to more desirable treatment.

Hikaru pushed to his feet and leveled an even stare at the council member. "Naruto is worth a hundred of you without even trying," he said quietly. "Now get out of my store and don't come back."

As the councilman reddened and jerkily removed the unfinished kimono, Hikaru added, "and you can tell anyone else that we don't accept customers who don't respect the kid."

Just as the angry man stormed out of the store, sending the door chime jangling loudly, Kaoru returned to the front of the store with Naruto, who clutched an armful of new clothing to his chest.

Hikaru sighed and pushed his anger away, crossing the small storefront to ruffle Naruto's hair affectionately. As Kaoru started to ring up Naruto's purchases, Hikaru waved him off. "Consider those our gift to you for graduating, Naruto."

Naruto stared at him with wide eyes. The expression was unusual on his face and was uncomfortably close to the despairing look he wore when the twins first met him. Hikaru had the feeling that Naruto was not as oblivious to the councilman's words as he seemed and he crouched down to the boy's level. "We like quality customers here Naruto," he said firmly, putting a hand on Naruto's shoulder.

Blinking rapidly to prevent the tears stinging his eyes from falling, Naruto smiled gratefully. "Thanks Hikaru-nii." The smile spread into his usual grin and he threw one arm around Hikaru's neck in a hug. The contact was brief and Naruto pulled away again before Hikaru could return the embrace. "Ichiraku's at seven, okay?"

Kaoru ruffled Naruto's hair, grinning when the boy looked up at him. "We'll see you there, squirt!"

Naruto laughed, skipping away from the hand on his head and left the store with a giant smile and a wave.

As the sound of the chiming bell faded away, Kaoru turned to his twin with a questioning expression. "What was that all about, brother-mine?"

Hikaru's mood soured slightly as he explained what had happened with their other (now ex) customer. "Stupid jerk," he muttered, feeling gratified that Kaoru was just as enraged as he had been and fully supported his actions and words.

Kaoru smiled slightly. "I never understood that attitude," he confessed. "Why in the world would you want to alienate the person who restrains a being powerful to level the village and work so hard to make him miserable?"

Hikaru slung his arm over his brother's shoulder. "My beautiful twin, that's because you are not an idiot."

The twins stared at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter. "This village certainly is full of them," Kaoru admitted, wiping the tears of mirth from his eyes. "Come on then, let's fix the store sign; I have an idea."

Later that evening, as the twins locked up and set out to join Naruto for a celebratory dinner, Hikaru looked back at the shop front and grinned. "That will definitely keep out the idiots," he chuckled.

The new sign read, "Hitachiin Brother's Outfitters: Supporters of the Future Hokage!" On the door was a picture of a grinning Naruto flanked by the twins who were in the process of settling the hokage hat on top of the blond head.

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A/N: Yeah, that was a super sappy ending, I know. And yes, those are the Hitachiin twins from Ouran High School Host Club… I felt like they would get along swimmingly with Naruto. Also, this kind of segues into my next idea. Seriously though… why in the world would you want to piss off the person who could kill everyone? It just doesn't make any sense!


	3. Chapter 3

Just Step Back a Moment and Think…

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Sarutobi Hiruzen sighed wearily as he entered the front doors of the Academy. He wasn't looking forward to the upcoming meeting, but it was necessary. Naruto was entering the ninja program the next week and he unfortunately faced a considerable amount of resentment and hostility, even among some shinobi. It was something that Hiruzen would never understand. While looking at Naruto as a reminder of loss to the kyuubi was semi-understandable, given his connection to the creature, it was completely unfathomable why even ninja treated the boy as if he were the kyuubi itself rather than its jailor.

As he entered the meeting room, he surveyed the chuunin teachers solemnly. They all appeared curious. Hiruzen hid a small amused smile as he realized that none of them had yet heard the news. There would have been much more protestation and less reverent, curious silence.

"Good morning, sensei," Hiruzen greeted, shutting the door and taking his place at the head of the classroom. "I am here to inform you of a new student who will be entering the first year class next week."

At his announcement, a ripple of whispers spread through the room. Hiruzen allowed for a moment, amused at the speculation of his teachers.

"New student? At this time of year?"

"Who do you suppose it could be?"

"Maybe Uchiha Fugaku's youngest? He may be just as talented as Itachi-san."

"But why wait three months into the year to enroll him?"

Hiruzen cleared his throat and regained his audience's attention. "Your new student will be Uzumaki Naruto."

There was shocked silence for a full minute before the entire room erupted in protest.

"That… _demon_ child? Here?"

"Hokage-sama, you can't possibly expect _any_ of us to…"

"You wish to train it to be a better killer?"

"Silence!" Hiruzen said firmly, his tone laced with anger. "This unacceptable behavior regarding Naruto-kun will end now." He eyed each chuunin sternly, meeting a few neutral faces mixed in with the hostility. He made a mental note of those who seemed accepting of Naruto and decided to place the child with those teachers, no matter the outcome of this meeting.

"But Hokage-sama…"

"There will be no 'buts,' Mizuki," Hiruzen interrupted with irritation. "I am ashamed of your behavior. As shinobi, you should all be aware of the properties of fuinjutsu. Minato-chan would be extremely saddened by your lack of faith in his abilities as a seal master."

At his words, some of the teachers looked away in shame, realizing the truth of their hokage's words. The Yondaime had been unbelievably gifted with seals, more so even than the Toad Sage, Jiraiya. However, there were several teachers who stubbornly hung on to their hatred.

"Hokage-sama, while Yondaime-sama was undeniably skilled, how can we be sure that the kyuubi did not exert its influence due to the… child's tender age?"

Hiruzen smiled to himself. This was one of the more popular theories floating around the village; many people found it difficult to believe that such a new life could withstand the might of the kyuubi's power.

"Tell me, who was Uzumaki Mito?" Hiruzen asked offhandedly, catching the teachers off guard with his seemingly random change of subject.

"Um, Hokage-sama, she is the late wife of the Shodaime hokage," a young chuunin said after it seemed that no one else was going to be forthcoming with an answer.

Hiruzen smiled. This was one of the few who had not reacted extremely unfavorably to Naruto's name, although he certainly had reason enough to resent the boy. "That is very true, Iruka-kun. What else is Uzumaki Mito known for?" he prompted.

The chuunin looked at each other uneasily before Iruka spoke up again, more confidently this time. "She was the first jinchuuriki of the kyuubi, Hokage-sama."

"Right again, Iruka-kun," Hiruzen praised. "Now, did any of you have the pleasure of knowing Uzumaki Kushina?"

The red-haired woman's name sent a round of terrified shudders through some of the room and Hiruzen chuckled. "Yes, she could be quite terrifying," he admitted, rubbing his jaw as he remembered the woman's extremely devastating right hook. "In what way was she related to Mito," he asked. "Someone other than Iruka-kun this time," he added, seeing the young man's mouth open as if to answer again.

There was silence once more until another teacher finally spoke up. "Kushina-san was Mita-sama's great-niece and the heir of the fallen Uzumaki clan."

Hiruzen nodded solemnly in remembrance of the great loss of life when Uzushiogakure was destroyed and the Uzumaki clan scattered across the lands. "And are any of you aware of what Kushina-chan had in common with her aunt?"

The chuunin eyed each other uneasily and this time, no one was forthcoming with an answer.

Hiruzen stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I am not surprised that none of you were aware of this information; Kushina-chan liked to keep it to herself," he paused and cleared his throat. "Kushina-chan originally came to our village with one purpose in mind. She possessed a very unique chakra that could be physically manifested as chains," he chuckled as some of the teachers shivered at the memory of what the fiery woman could do with those chains. "Because of this, and the natural stamina and lengthy lifespan of the Uzumaki clan, Kushina-chan was chosen to bear Mito's burden after her death."

Several murmur's sprung up around the room as a few teachers figured out what Hiruzen had yet to say clearly. "Yes," he said over the whispers. "Kushina-chan was the second jinchuuriki of the kyuubi."

"Forgive me, Hokage-sama," interjected the silver-haired teacher who had been most hostile throughout the meeting. "But what relevance does this information have?"

Hiruzen smiled unpleasantly. "What is Naruto's surname, Mizuki?"

The silver-haired chuunin opened his mouth and said, unthinkingly, "Uzumaki."

The room went silent at this truth and Hiruzen allowed the chuunin to come to their own conclusions. "But, Hokage-sama," Iruka spoke up again. "The Uzumaki clan is famous for their flaming red hair and Naruto is blonde…" he trailed off as he remembered exactly which man Kushina spent the most time with and his eyes widened in realization. He couldn't stop himself from glancing out the window at the stern stone face of the Yondaime on the mountain-side.

Hiruzen nodded slightly. "I trust you will keep that information to yourself, Iruka-kun."

Iruka nodded in slight awe but kept his mouth shut when several of his peers asked him what he had figured out.

"Most importantly," Hiruzen raised his voice slightly to regain the attention of the room. "As shinobi, you should all be intimately aware of the difference between a sealing scroll and a kunai." He chuckled at the look of consternation that graced the faces of most of the teachers. Only Mizuki remained angry, although he hid it well, and Hiruzen decided to remove the young man before he could do any potential damage.

"Before I dismiss you all," Hiruzen said. "Know that I expect Naruto-kun to be treated with the same respect as any other student and given the same level of instruction. I hope that this meeting has opened your eyes to the truth that Naruto-kun is merely a child who has no living family remaining and no aid from most of this village. He will require patience and diligence to bring him to the level of his peers and I expect that you will not use his young age as an excuse for allowing him to fail."

The majority of the teachers nodded emphatically, their shame at how they had previously treated the unfortunate child giving them the determination to see him succeed. As they all filed out, Iruka lingered behind after he caught a meaningful glance from his village leader.

"Was there something else, Hokage-sama," Iruka asked curiously.

Hiruzen smiled and put an affectionate hand on the young man's shoulder. "I am placing Naruto in your hands, Iruka-kun. You'll find that his personality is similar to yours when you were a child."

Iruka blinked in surprise and then nodded slowly. "So, he acts out for attention, does he?"

Hiruzen laughed lightly. "You could say that. Take care of him, Iruka-kun," he said as he sobered. "I believe that he has the potential to surpass _both_ of his talented parents if given the opportunity."

Iruka nodded again, this time in slight reverence at the thought of exactly who had fathered his newest student. "I'll do it, Hokage-sama," he said firmly. "I'll make him the most outstanding shinobi in the village."

"Good," Hiruzen smiled as he patted Iruka's shoulder. "Because I plan to pass this hat down to him in the future and he needs to be prepared."

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A/N: So, Naruto's treatment at the hands of most of the village—scorn, viewing him as the demon itself, extreme neglect, etc—never made sense to me after hearing about Uzumaki Mito and Kushina and the existence of other jinchuuriki. Obviously this is something that the shinobi world is familiar with. I can somewhat understand _civilians_ misunderstanding how this works, but the ninja should be very aware of what a jinchuuriki is. Honestly, I think that this inconsistency arose because Kishimoto didn't really have shippuuden planned out when he stared Naruto in the first place, so of course there are slightly plot holes. Anyway, so these little one-shots are obviously AU, and this one may inspire a full fic in the future, because I love reading scenarios where Naruto received adequate training from a young age (in a manner that keeps his woefully short attention span when it comes to academics) and therefore would enjoy writing one! Hope you enjoyed! More will probably come as I get ideas, but if you have a suggestion, let me know and I shall write it!


	4. Chapter 4

Just Step Back a Moment and Think… 4

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"So, Kakashi," Sarutobi Hiruzen said after he and the silver haired jounin returned to his office. It was the afternoon of the team assignments and the younger man had just met his potential genin in person. "What do you think of them?"

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck, looking somewhat uncomfortable. "Well, Hokage-sama… to be honest, I'm worried about Uchiha Sasuke."

The hokage nodded, leaning back in his chair and lighting his pipe. "He is unfortunately focused on revenge…"

"It's a little more than focused, Hokage-sama," Kakashi insisted. He knew that Sasuke was damaged—who wouldn't be after such a vicious mental attack featuring the annihilation of one's clan—but he had gotten a really bad feeling from the dark haired boy. And Kakashi tended to trust his instincts. "He's so obsessed with becoming stronger for the sake of his goal that he completely disregards the other two," Kakashi tried to explain what had made him so uneasy.

Blowing out a ring of smoke, Sarutobi frowned slightly at his subordinate. "Sasuke would not be the first young ninja to behave that way," he reminded gently.

Kakashi had the grace to blush slightly, although the color could not be seen through his mask. "To be fair, Hokage-sama, I believed myself to be better than my teammates, not that I didn't need them at all," he argued somewhat petulantly. He paused for a moment, trying to phrase his worries so that they would be taken seriously. "He made my eye ache," Kakashi admitted, bringing a hand up to gently touch the hitai-ate which covered the precious gift from his deceased friend.

The hokage sat up straight and stared intently at the other ninja. He was extremely concerned by this news. Kakashi would not have brought up his eye lightly. There must have been something extremely unnerving about the young Uchiha. "Do you believe him to be a flight risk?" Konoha could not afford to have another rogue Uchiha, especially when they were so diminished. It would be disastrous if any of the other villages gained the sharingan bloodline.

Kakashi grimaced. "He not only shows the potential of doing _anything_ for the power to defeat his brother, I believe he is a danger to his teammates. Sasuke would not sacrifice his own life to save them nor would he hesitate to use their lives to his advantage. There can be no team without trust and Naruto and Sakura will never be able to trust that boy."

Sarutobi sighed. Too much damage had been done to Sasuke in his youth and if Kakashi believed that he could not be turned around, then it was most likely the truth. The younger man was an extremely good judge of character. "What do you propose we do?" The hokage knew that they would have to treat the situation delicately; the Council was aggressively protective of the Uchiha bloodline at times.

Kakashi rubbed his chin through his mask thoughtfully. "We need to pass him, at least temporarily, for you to be able to interfere in his future." Slouching back into his usual lazy posture, Kakashi smiled slightly. "If he manages to work as a team tomorrow during the test, I'll allow it. But I think at the first negative sign, we should take action. As it stands, he hasn't actually done anything wrong, so we can't really do anything about him."

The hokage nodded and puffed on his pipe again. "Very well, Kakashi. I'll leave him in your hands for now. Keep me updated on his progress."

Kakashi nodded and left the hokage's office, plotting ways to force Sasuke to show his true colors.

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Kakashi stood on the roof of the hospital, his expression grim. He had begun to hope that his initial feelings regarding the Uchiha had been paranoia, but the latest events had finally shown the lengths to which Sasuke was willing to go for his revenge. Orochimaru's curse seal was temptation enough, but Sasuke had been showing signs of trusting his teammates and Kakashi felt that close supervision was enough. But then Sasuke had another run-in with his older brother and Itachi had subjected the boy to another punishing genjutsu. After waking, Sasuke's first action was to fight his teammate and use an A-rank assassination jutsu—one which Kakashi had taught him with the stipulation that it never be used on a comrade. Sometimes Kakashi wondered what he had been thinking when he showed Sasuke how to use the chidori.

He looked at the damage caused by each boy's attack, knowing that Sasuke would be even more enraged by the superior damaged done by Naruto's rasengan and he rushed off to find the boy before he could do anything stupid. Kakashi found him brooding in a tree and was promptly yelled at for not understanding Sasuke's situation.

Kakashi had to work hard not to roll his eyes—Sasuke had always held a ridiculously high standard for understanding when it came to trauma… no one would ever experience the exact same circumstances so according to Sasuke, no one would ever understand his pain. He moved quickly to hit Sasuke in the back of the neck with the blade of his hand and caught the boy's figure as he fell. Kakashi propped him against the tree trunk as he dug into his hip pouch.

He withdrew a small square of paper, a brush and small pot of sealing ink. Kakashi wasn't anywhere near the skill level of his deceased sensei, but he was competent. He quickly wrote out a seal to keep Sasuke unconscious and slapped it on the boy's forehead, activating it with a bit of blood. Gathering the limp form of his student, Kakashi rushed off to the hokage's office.

Fortunately, Tsunade was alone when Kakashi entered the room. "Kakashi, what in the world…"

"Excuse me, Tsunade-sama, but the time has come," Kakashi interrupted, setting Sasuke on the small couch by the window. "Sasuke can no longer be trusted in the ninja ranks. I do not know if Sandaime-sama left any advice regarding what to do with the boy, but something needs to be done quickly." Kakashi grimaced. "He just attempted to use chidori on Naruto."

Tsunade's brows furrowed threateningly. "The little shit!" She exclaimed. Sarutobi had indeed left her a message about the Uchiha boy—she had scowled at the note addressed to her, as though her old sensei had somehow known she would take up the mantel—but had no real plan for dealing with him. Tsunade emerged from the desk and looked over the boy, lingering over the sealed curse mark. "His chakra will need to be sealed, I think," she said. "And we should mark him with a tracker and an ANBU guard until he settles… Orochimaru won't let him go so easily."

Kakashi nodded his agreement. "Yes, I believe that if Sasuke does not go to him of his own accord, he will attempt to take him by force. ANBU may not be enough to stop him," Kakashi warned.

Tsunade hummed thoughtfully. "I'll take care of the snake when he comes." She straightened Sasuke's form on the couch and gestured for the jounin to join her. "Come, let's do this quickly before the Council tries to interfere."

Kakashi joined the hokage, dreading the conversation with the boy when he woke. Sasuke would be livid at the ending of his shinobi career and his inability to kill his brother.

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Three years later, Naruto returned from training with Jiraiya. He was eager to see his old teammates, especially Sasuke, since he had been confined to one of the lower levels of the hospital when he had left. Tsunade hadn't told him much about Sasuke, only that he needed help recovering from what his brother had done and getting rid of the cursed seal from Orochimaru.

After running into Sakura—and narrowly avoiding a beating because of his admittedly perverted comments—Naruto headed straight for the hokage's office.

"Oi! Tsunade-baa-chan!" Naruto ducked as a heavy paperweight flew at his head. He laughed slightly and rushed around the desk to envelop the other blonde in a bone-crushing hug. "I missed you too, baa-chan!"

"Don't call me that, brat," Tsunade grumbled fondly, returning the hug.

"Is Sasuke around?" Naruto asked impatiently, a wide grin on his face.

Tsunade huffed and shooed the teenager back to the other side of the desk. "You really do have a one track mind, don't you? All those letters you sent, bugging me about him… Are you sure he's just your _friend_?" She grinned at the horrified expression that taken place of the cheeky grin.

"Of course he's my friend!" Naruto screeched. "He's like… a brother or something! I was just worried!"

Tsunade smiled as Naruto mimed being sick. "Fine fine," she said, gaining his undivided attention again. "I think you should go visit Ichiraku's," she suggested. "You may run into him there."

"Sasuke? Eat ramen?" Naruto's eyes boggled slightly. Sasuke had never wanted to eat at Ichiraku's three years ago, but Naruto assumed that he must have seen the light during his absence. "Thanks, baa-chan!"

Before Tsunade could respond, Naruto exited the office through the window and headed toward his favorite restaurant.

"Ojisaaaaaan!" He called as he ducked under the noren into the ramen stand.

Teuchi grinned at his best customer. "Oh Naruto! You've come home! And you're so tall," he exclaimed to Naruto's delight. "Oi kid, come see who's here!"

Naruto scratched his head in confusion. "Did you get a new employee, ojisan?" He waited curiously to see who would come from the back of the stand and felt his jaw drop in surprise as Uchiha Sasuke came into view. "S-S-Sasuke?"

"Naruto!" Sasuke grinned, wiping his hands on his apron. He hopped over the counter and swept the speechless blonde into a hug. "It's been so long! Why didn't you write me?"

Naruto felt slightly faint. "Sasuke… what's going on?"

Sasuke pulled back, leaving an arm around Naruto's neck as he steered him to a seat. "Well, after all that mess on the hospital roof, Tsunade-sama and Kakashi had me taken off the ninja roster," Sasuke said, surprisingly cheerfully.

Naruto gasped. "What?! She never told me that," he said indignantly.

"Oh don't worry about it, Naruto," Sasuke waved off the other teen's irritation. "Honestly, I was pretty mad about it for a while, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me!"

Naruto sat in shocked silence as Sasuke filled him in on all the details of his transition from shinobi to ramen chef. As the conversation continued however, Naruto decided that Sasuke did seem much happier, and he could cook the famous Ichiraku ramen now, which was definitely a plus.

"… I know you probably don't have a place to stay anymore since you've been gone for so long so I got a place with a second bedroom so you can live with me!" Sasuke gushed. "I've been so excited for you to come back, Naruto. I never realized how much you meant to me until I got over all that anger."

"You really mean it," Naruto asked in a small voice. No one had ever wanted to live with him before and he was still slightly shocked by the abrupt character change of his friend.

"Of course I do," Sasuke said with a genuine smile. "Actually, Kakashi helped me pack up the rest of your apartment after you left and move it into mine. I hope you don't mind…?"

Naruto flung himself at Sasuke, enveloping the other boy in a hug. He smelled wonderfully like ramen. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

As Sasuke returned the hug and Naruto felt one hand creep slightly lower than it probably should, he realized that maybe Tsunade had a reason for insinuating that they had more than a friendship. But as he inhaled the delicious scent of ramen and basked in the warmth of having a home with someone who actually wanted him there, Naruto decided that he didn't mind at all if Sasuke wanted to get a little touchy.

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A/N: So I had totally intended for this to be serious… but I just love writing humor… Yes, Sasuke is outrageously out of character here, but he is intended to be! Hope you enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

Just Step Back a Moment and Think… Again

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Uchiha Madara crossed his arms across his chest smugly. Sasuke could tell that behind the mask, the man was smirking arrogantly. "So you see, Sasuke," he said. "Itachi was ordered by the leaders of Konoha to kill the Uchiha clan, and only by accepting the mission was he able to make sure that you would be spared and kept safe. He even implanted that 'amaterasu' within your eye to protect you from me. For all of your life, Itachi has worked to keep you safe, even from himself."

Sasuke stared blankly at his ancestor. Frankly he was surprised that the man seemed so spry for his advanced age. A tiny frown formed between his brows and he scowled slightly.

"What is the problem, Sasuke?" Madara asked, losing a miniscule amount of smugness.

Sasuke scratched at his cheek, flaking the dried blood from his eye off his skin. "Let me get this straight, guy I've never met before who claims to have helped kill my family," he said dryly. The other man startled slightly and made as if to speak, but Sasuke continued over him. "The Uchiha clan elders were planning a coup and so those three old bags in the Konoha council went behind the Sandaime's back to order my brother to kill everyone to prevent civil war, which would have resulted in weakening the village. Itachi agreed in order to keep me alive and proceeded to murder every single member of my clan, even those who were civilians and those who were completely unaware of the elders' plotting, and you helped him do it?"

Sasuke waited for the masked man to nod hesitantly before he continued. "And then, Itachi forced me to witness the brutal murders of every member of my family for 72 hours straight using tsukiyomi and then when I saw him again three years ago, he did it again after breaking my arm. All of this was to ensure that I hated him enough to kill him and avenge the deaths of my family. Is this all about right?" Sasuke asked for confirmation.

"W-well, yes… but you see," Madara stuttered. He definitely was not expecting this kind of reaction. "Itachi loved you so much that he turned himself into a villain to keep you safe."

Sasuke snorted. "Right. Look, a good brother doesn't psychologically torture his siblings. Now that I think about it," he said, frowning thoughtfully. "Even before he murdered everyone—with your help, mind—he never spent much time with me because he was always too busy. So, really, Itachi was a really crappy brother."

"B-but…"

"Even if what all you say is true, Itachi definitely deserved his fate. Besides, he looked like he was about to keel over anyway. I was really lucky he was sick. I almost lost," Sasuke admitted.

"It was the _village_ who made him—"

"Yeah okay, those old idiots have it coming, but Itachi probably should have confirmed his mission with the hokage," Sasuke argued. "You said that they wanted to prevent a civil war which would weaken the village, right?"

Madara nodded, feeling completely off balance. "That's right," he said, trying to get back in control of the conversation. "Your family was sacrificed for peace…"

"I'm going to call bullshit on that logic," Sasuke interrupted rudely. "By murdering the _entire_ Uchiha clan, one of the founding families and the wielder of one of the most powerful bloodlines in the world, the village was weakened even more than it would have been with a civil war."

While Madara floundered for something to say, Sasuke got up and pulled on his clothing. "Look, thanks for patching me up and everything, but I'm going to get out of here," he said, his tone slightly apologetic.

The masked man held out his hand helplessly. "Wait… what do you mean? Don't you care about anything I've just told you?"

Sasuke sighed. He was starting to feel a little sorry for the guy. Things were obviously not going the way he planned. "What did you think I was going to do?" Sasuke asked. "Randomly change my mind about Itachi after hating him for half of my life and decide to team up with you to destroy Konoha?"

"W-well…" Madara stuttered. "Yes."

Sasuke resisted the strong urge to drop his face into his palm. "Okay… well, sorry to burst your bubble but I don't know you and you haven't done much to make me trust you. I mean, you've just said that you helped to kill my family. And you didn't really have a reason to do it either. I don't even know what it is you are planning or why you have a grudge against Konoha."

"My reasons for hating Konoha and the Uchiha are my own," Madara said haughtily. As Sasuke began to walk away again, he continued quickly. "But I plan to capture the last two jinchuuriki, extract the tailed beasts and collect them into this statue which will revive the legendary juubi," Madara's voice became extremely excited as he explained his master plot. "And then, I will use its power to cast a worldwide, everlasting genjutsu on the moon which will bring about peace for everyone. I've already instructed Pain to capture the Uzumaki child and raze Konoha to the ground. I just need you to—"

Sasuke just stared in disbelief at the man who claimed to be his ancestor. "So, you want to hunt down one of the few people in the world who doesn't hate my guts, kill him for the kyuubi and then use the… moon… to enslave the world?"

At Madara's nod, Sasuke shook his head. "You're on your own, crazy man," he said with a snort. He quickly formed the hand seals and bit his thumb for a summoning and called out a hawk large enough to ride. While the masked man was frozen in shock, Sasuke summoned several smaller birds and instructed them to plant exploding tags within the entire hideout and then took off through the mouth of the cave.

A few minutes later, deafening explosives caused the land to shudder and Sasuke braced himself against the wind that blew against his back. "Think he managed to survive that one, Hiro," he asked the hawk.

"It is likely, Sasuke-sama," the summons answered. "He is capable of manipulating his body with a time-space jutsu."

Sasuke hummed thoughtfully before taking out a blank scroll and scribbling a message. He rolled it up and summoned a messenger hawk. "Jiro, take this to the Godaime Hokage as quickly as you can," he commanded.

The small hawk nodded, collected the scroll and took off. Sasuke settled on Hiro's back as they flew in the direction of Konohagakure. Maybe after warning the hokage about the upcoming attack and helping defend the village from Pain, he would be allowed back in. Of course, if those three ancient, meddling, council idiots happened to die in the chaos, all the better.

Sasuke smirked as he spotted the hokage monument on the horizon. He couldn't wait to see the look on Naruto's face when he waltzed into the village on his own initiative.

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A/N: This obviously takes place when Tobi still claims to be Madara—I'm still not convinced that he is actually the person who was shown at the end of last week's chapter; I think it's a trick or Kishimoto better have a pretty darn good explanation to make up for the inconsistencies!—and this time, Sasuke is a little smarter about listening to strangers. After all, Itachi may have done bad things for a good reason, but he was still unnecessarily cruel to Sasuke and could have achieved his goal in another way. Also, how stupid is it to decimate your own shinobi forces and almost completely eradicate a valuable bloodline to prevent a possible civil war. *sigh* Yet another reason that Minato should have survived… he probably could have prevented the potential coup before it was even conceived…

Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

Just Step Back a Moment and Think…

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"Sharingan Kakashi, huh?"

Kakashi stared intently at the heavily bandaged man wielding a ridiculously large sword. He would know that sword anywhere. After Icha Icha, the Bingo book was Kakashi's favorite reading material. "Momochi Zabuza, Demon of the Mist," he replied.

Zabuza cackled evilly before going off on a spiel about Kakashi's brand new genin being worthless and how when he was their age he had already killed blah blah blah… Kakashi tuned out his monologue and surreptitiously used kawarimi on a nearby log (Praise to the Log, Kakashi intoned mentally) and instantly cast a henge on said log to make it appear as him. Kakashi was very quick and Zabuza was busy trying to scare the genin, so no one noticed his switch.

Just as the missing mist nin was starting to unleash a fairly impressive killing intent, Kakashi reached out and stabbed him through the heart with a truly impressive finger jab. The three genin (and the bridge builder) stared in horrified awe at Kakashi's bloody hand which appeared on Zabuza's chest.

An anguished cry sounded from nearby. Kakashi withdrew his hand, formed a loud crackling lightning cocoon around it and dispatched another enemy.

The two dead ninja fell to the ground noiselessly. The genin (and Tazuna) were wide-eyed with shock.

"Kakashi-sensei… I thought you sucked… but that was AWESOME," shouted Naruto, leaping up into the air with an energetic fist pump.

Sasuke's eyes gleamed as he pictured himself using the same moves against his brother, killing him not only quickly, but in style.

Kakashi was slightly worried as he noticed the stars in Sakura's eyes and he hoped that he hadn't become her new target for her obsessive behavior.

"Man, you weren't kidding when you said not to worry about stronger enemies," Tazuna whistled, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Maa," Kakashi eye-smiled, pulling a cloth from his pouch and cleaning the blood from his hand. He wasn't sure why Zabuza had seemed to expect him to use his gifted eye, when Kakashi was extremely deadly without it. He was the man of a thousand jutsu after all, and an ex-ANBU captain. Someone like Momochi Zabuza was a piece of cake.

"It was nothing," he said modestly, withdrawing his favorite book again. Kakashi was moderately certain that they would run into no more trouble until they got to Tazuna's house. Maybe when they arrived, Kakashi mused, he would teach his genin how to plan a stealthy assassination and take care of that Gato cretin as well. After all, Kakashi liked to be thorough in all of his assigned missions.

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A/N: Just something short while I work on some other projects! More of a drabble than a full one-shot... but better than nothing at all, right? I always wondered why Kakashi (who seems to be one of the strongest ninja in the village, supposedly knows a thousand jutsu, and used to be in ANBU) would have whipped out his Sharingan right off the bat. I mean, the guy had to have been able to take down Zabuza without it!


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